First off, I am going to admit that I was a bad friend and a coward and I accept full responsibility for everything that I am going to write.
Ang and I met 7 years before her wedding during military training. She was always well put together and me-a confused mess but because of what we shared together none of that mattered.
Angie got engaged in 2002. Ang asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy that I said yes! I was so happy to be included in such a happy event!
Ang didn’t really start planning her wedding until the end of 2003. My life had hit rock-bottom. I dropped out of university, was drinking heavily and in severe credit card debt. My Dad and I had a huge falling out that left us not talking for several years, my dog died and my boyfriend and I broke up again. I was so depressed that my doctor begged me to stop drinking and start taking meds.
Come spring of 2004 (Oct wedding), I was turning my life around. I cut back on the booze and made a decision to pursue a degree in Music 2.5 hours away from the city where we lived. I took at job at my lake and saved to pay off my credit card debts, tuition and living expenses. Everything for the wedding seemed to be going well. They had a "social" and I worked very hard as a bridesmaid to help them raise money for their wedding. I called often to see what the plans for the wedding were. I made every effort to show that I cared and was excited because I really was. I also want to make it clear that I was always asking for dates of things so that I could plan around wedding stuff.
Here is where things started getting bad.

The maid-of-honour started springing dates on me last minute. There were some things that I could not make first being the shower. Let’s call the MOH Liz. Liz is Ang’s sister. Liz called me a week before out at the lake telling me that the shower was the following Sunday. I was a bartender and my boss would not let me have the day off because the schedule had been made. Liz told me to quit my job. I couldn’t call Ang to tell her because it was a surprise but I called as soon as it was over and apologized. On my first day off, I went straight to her house in the city with a load of gifts from me and my family.
Second, I know that I am moving 2.5 hours away from where we live at the end of the summer so I ask for the dress-makers phone number to have the dress made before I move. This is in August. I phoned her several times and left messages. No response. I call Ang to tell her that the dress maker is avoiding m. It’s now the end of August and still no dress made. I am moving on Labour Day weekend.
On Labour Day weekend, in the new city, Liz calls me up again to tell me that:
1. I need to come back to the city for the next 4 weekends for dress fittings
2. the bachelorette party is in a town between our two cities but that I would have to go to their city first for a fitting, then drive out to the small town bachelorette party then back to the city for another dress fitting and then drive back to my new city.
3. I need to miss two days of classes and rehearsals for the rehearsal dinner
That’s 4 weekends of my 12 week semester at school. Not sure how many of you know what music school is like, but it is demanding. There is no free time. Weekends are for catch-up.

I was willing to give up 2 weekends. I was willing to come in 1 weekend for the dress-maker to make my dress in full and I was willing to drive out to the small town bachelorette party for Saturday only.
I also could not afford to do any of that.. Anything on top of the 2 weekends, I would not have had money for basic living expenses.

I tried explaining that to both Ang and Liz and it was not good enough, so cowardly, I sent Ang an email 3-4 weeks before her wedding and said I could not be a bridesmaid for the reasons that I wrote above and asked for forgiveness and offered any other help I could. With the crappy year that I went through, I knew Ang would end our friendship and that is why I emailed. I ignored the phone calls because I was scared that they would make me feel so bad that I might have a relapse in trying to have a better life. Ang emailed me back and said she was never going to talk to me again and 7 years later she has stayed true to her promise.
I honestly miss my friend so much.  I still love her and it broke my heart to do what I did. I have tried 3 or 4 times in the last 7 years to try make things right but nothing back. I realize that I should just move on and get over it, live with my choices because I did bad, but I think of Ang so often and have dreams all the time that we are buds and it is just too hard to let go and give up.

I am 31 years old now, married with one child and have my crap together.

I know what I did was wrong and have accepted responsibility for that so I don’t really need to hear even more how horrible I was. What I would like to know is if I deserve forgiveness???????